When I quit drinking in 2010, bringing to an end a dark history of blackouts and tumbles down staircases, I thought I might lose my writing career. Follow her on Twitter (@sarahhepola) and Instagram . Phone dates with writer friends in other parts of the country stretched to two and three hours as we worked out essays we would never write, toggling between outrage, despair, and armchair cultural analysis of the latest dustup. And the unsavory truth is that, as someone who has done Very Stupid Things while drinking, I also sympathized with Turner. Her place was filled with hardback books and writers who had been invited because they danced on the precarious edge of what was considered appropriate. Some kind of moral monster? . On a very petty level, it was poorly written and felt barely edited. Not that project, not that story, not that controversy. All Content 2023 Sarah Hepola. All Rights Reserved. Going against the online outrage machine could be career suicide. I surrounded myself with people who reminded me I was loved, no matter what the firing squads on Twitter said. Im not going to die in that ditch today, I often said to a like-minded friend when we spoke about these scandals, which was daily, both of us getting in a lather because the topics were so rich. They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie, MN in 1962. So I was relieved that someone of Gladwells stature had broached the topic. Peak Atlantic. When women are in a blackout, things are done to them.. Her writing has been published by the New York Times magazine, The New Republic, Elle, Glamour, The Guardian, Slate, and The Morning News, where she is a contributing writer. The unwritten rule of elite media tribes seemed to be this: You spout the company line, or you shut up. Is this you? Writers gathered around the long communal table of Twitter, and some days it felt like the last scene ofReservoir Dogseveryone turning their guns on one another. The Rise to Fame The modern Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders launch in 1972 and rocket to national fame. I just thought this was how it was donewe said one thing in public, and backstage we said what we really thought. Id get killed!, His look wasnt judgmental. I was not writing much about this stuff, except in the journals where I always stowed my secrets. Some of them were just never going to cut me out, no matter what. But my cohort and I had grown up wanting it both ways: a safe career, and an artistic one. And a lot of us are trapped in that sorry place. In the sixth grade, I did a six-week research project on the PMRC, the Parents Music Resource Center, and you might call that lengthy, impassioned report my first long-form story. You cant predict these things; its all guesswork. Millers account was one of the most affecting pieces of writing I read that year. And though the area of expertise Id staked out as a writer was the complications of womens independence and the nuances of sex, and my own personal brand was blunt honesty, I could not bring myself to say word one about these episodes in public. I didn't do AA or anything like that, just lurked here and became a devout fan of Sarah Hepola and her musings. Hepola conveys both the horror in the mysteries left after a night smudged dark by drinking, and the draw of overdrinking that kept her carving out her memory with alcohol. Some kind of moral monster? That she sympathizes with accused rapists, for one thing . Everyone kept quiet (save for the brave few who did not). She went to St. Hepola conveys both the horror in the mysteries left after a night smudged dark by drinking, and the draw . Im not gonna deal with that person because that person brings chaos -- and I understand that. But I was swiftly counseled away by my lets-not-die-in-this-ditch partner in difficult conversations. by Sarah Hepola. If women wanted equality in the bedroom, why did so many confess to being turned on by domination and rough sex? Online condolences may be left at jonespearson.com. He skillfully reframed a rape culture narrative as a tragic misunderstanding fueled by the distortion of booze. A nagging sense that I did not know enough about any given controversy to weigh in publicly (though that never stopped so many others). Sarah Hepolais the author of the bestselling memoir,Blackout. The other is that she is exploring an incredibly important problem for writers and other public figures in the currently period of over-heated cultural conflict. Oh, absolutely! This was 2018, and the party was an informal gathering at the sumptuous Brooklyn brownstone of a writer deemed problematic, even before that word went mainstream. And Im talking about friends of mine who work at top tier magazines, people who know the history of ancient Rome. "This is a point worth underscoring, since the most common misperception about blacking out is confusing it with passing out, losing consciousness after too much booze. Privacy | I hope you revel in the writing and wrestle with the problem. Sarah Hepola is the author of the New York Times bestselling memoir, "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget."MORE FROM Sarah Hepola The first time Sarah Hepola, author of the new memoir Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, got drunk, she was eleven years old, visiting her cousin for summer vacation. We know that. Its a shame the Internet hates him, I messaged. A bigot? Thats not what this is about. I remember turning to the picture of Joan on the back, young and pretty and serious. My friends and I at thealternative paper inAustin, Texas,sat around long communal tables at dive bars arguing about pop culture, trying to one-up one another with off-color jokes as we downed pint after pint. Our heroine finally makes peace with her hometown. "There was this funny complicity, we . My book opens with an episode in Paris where I came out of a blackout in the middle of having sex with a man I did not recognize. Her place was filled with hardback books and writers who had been invited because they danced on the precarious edge of what was considered appropriate. Thats when I first found out what blacking out was. I didnt deserve to be there, or at least thats how I felt as guests exchanged war stories about the scolds on social media, where I mostly posted upcoming appearances, like a bot run by a PR firm. She is the host/creator of the Texas Monthly podcast on the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, "America's Girls" and the co-conspirator of the weekly cultural podcast "Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em." "Sobriety sucked the biggest donkey dong in the world," she tells us, and she backs that up. To listen. At my core, I was a people pleaser, and the culture had reached a moment when any opinion worthy of expression ran the risk of losing half your audience. Its not about me -- she gave me a great gift by saying, and Im paraphrasing: This is actually about you; this is about your behavior. If youve never experienced a blackout, it might be hard to understand the icy wrongness of waking up to find a blank space where three hours should be. If only I could write this well. But its not like theyre gonna turn around and say, Thank you! But I was swiftly counseled away by my lets-not-die-in-this-ditch partner in difficult conversations. This was the stuff of doorstop novels, and yet people were working it out in 280 characters dashed off in line at Trader Joes. As a drinker and a snob, I had an allergy to educational materials, period. I know this: Im finally ready to have a conversation with the world. Not to engage in callouts, or scolding, or eye rolls, which are not my style, but to express my own deep ambivalence, my own point of view on subjects that matter to me. Its a fair point, but me, personally? Her work has appeared in the New York Times, The Guardian, the Atlantic, Salon, and Elle. The reasons were simple, at least for me. Perhaps Ihadinternalized my own misogyny, whatever that means. Required fields are marked *. Sarah Hepola is represented by Amy Williams of The Williams Company. I applied to pick up groceries for Instacart, and each time I scrolled through the latest batch (seven items, two miles away), I was seized with the fear that Id fail at that too. This felt empowering to her, as it did to many of us who were young and sexually active at that time. Hepola A lonely, attention-starved child, Hepola started stealing sips of her parents' beer at age seven. If only I had her courage. Me too. ), I sympathized deeply with Miller. Sarah Hepola can be an celebrity, known for Rurni Kenshin: Ishin shishi e zero Requiem . I had to learn a tolerance to sit in my own uncomfortable feelings -- and then you kind of start thinking, What kind of life do I want to build for myself?. Admin. Not gonna die in that ditch today. No jail time. What Sarah Hepola taught me about blackout drinking and sobriety's thrill But being sympathetic to these fallen creaturesa trait instilled by literature, my mother, and Oprahhad been declared a sin. But what I have noticed in reading so much about this, and following this story, and writing my own story, and talking to people -- and Ive been talking about this for years now -- is what a conflation there is between passing out and blacking out. I was screwed. Once-celebrated writers were being publicly rebranded as ghoulish, pieces of trash, red-pilled. Consent, complicity, moral trespass, power dynamics. A human life is morally complex, filled with ambivalence and uncertainty, and accepting the quickly assembled dogma of social-media feeds lets us bypass messier realities that we ignore at our own peril. IWNDWYT. While researching my book, I spoke with Aaron White, a leading expert on blackouts who is now the chief of epidemiology and biometry at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. As jobs in the industry diminished, journalism had become even more cutthroat. Like me, the younger man had fallen in love with art because it was the place where people told the truth. I had not done the hard work of accepting myself; I was always drinking myself into an acceptance of myself, but I introduced new shame. Are you kidding? Sarah Hepola: When I first started thinking about writing a book, I went to Barnes & Noble in Union Square [in New York], and I went to the addiction section and read everything I could find.I found this book about women and drinking, and the upshot was that women hide their drinking and there are no social rituals about drinking for women the way there are for men. My book opens with an episode in Paris where I came out of a blackout in the middle of having sex with a man I did not recognize. Sometimes, when money was tight, I ate this big jar of peanut butter . Everyone kept quiet (save for the brave few who did not). My husband broke up with me, but I didn't drink! Blackouts might be the freakiest neurological occurrence that also happens to be casually categorized as another Friday night. What gets lost when a writer mutes herself? A memoir of unblinking honesty and poignant, laugh-out-loud humor, BLACKOUT is the story of a woman stumbling into a new kind of adventure--the sober life she never wanted. Perhaps he was disappointed in me, or in an environment where writers saved the best and juiciest controversies for private conversations. There was a lot about blackouts I didnt know before I read your book. I kept going. But central to Millers despair is this: She could not remember what happened. I dont want to brag about where I am now. He could take the hits. Shes the host and creator of the Texas Monthly podcastAmericas Girls, an eight-part series on the lost history and cultural impact of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, a series that no less thanVogue magazine said expertly complicates Americas cheerleading obsession. Sarah never knew she was a cat person until she got a cat. She went to St. What was I, a rape apologist? Its kind of mind-boggling to contemplatethatnotpouring a beer on a strangers head would be the bad career move. When you are making policy, and when you are trying to make social change, it behooves you to speak in very clear terms, you know? I know this: Im finally ready to have a conversation with the world. I wrote private messages to writers whose work captured my particular agony, but I never tweeted about those stories, which felt like the equivalent of dating an unpopular guy in secret because your friends might not approve. She was baptized at home on April 19, 1933 into the Finnish National Lutheran Church and later when the Topelius Church merged with the LCMS, she was confirmed at Trinity Lutheran Church in New York Mills. The Internet hates Franzen? He was not an online creature, despite being 29. See, the body acceptance movement, I think, in its most pure form, is not, You have to be this way and accept it; its that you can love your body at any size. Perhaps he was disappointed in me, or in an environment where writers saved the best and juiciest controversies for private conversations. Perhaps my thinking, steeped in the classic liberalism of 90s slacker culture,wasunevolved. She went to St. But in silencing our own moral compass and strongly held beliefs, were hanging ourselves out to dry, rendering our wisdom and insight useless. If so, can they please tell me, so I can choose my stance accordingly? Sarah Hepola is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget."Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Guardian, Elle, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Bloomberg Businessweek, and Texas Monthly, where she is a contributing writer.For many years she ran the personal essays section at Salon.She is working on a second memoir about an ambivalent . The question is: What size is that, and should it be? Steven Pinker Will ChatGPT Replace Human Writers? I had no husband and no qualms about that. The next day, your brain will have no imprint of [your] activities, almost as if they didn't happen." When men are in a blackout, they do things to the world, he told me. During the resistance movement of 2016, a friends book about feminism got dropped in part because her feminism wasnt the right kind for the Trump era. There are uncomfortable dates, compromised friendships, and, most importantly, the inner critic that never shuts up. A story about sex workers during the pandemic written by a nonsex worker who didnt even frequent strip clubs? Right. I lost 50 pounds, but I still have to accept that Im never going to have the body of my 5'10" actress friend. Arrangements were entrusted to Jones Pearson Funeral Home of Park Rapids. At last, I've finally reached the end of The Atlantic. to John "Vernor" and Signe Porkkonen. When women are in a blackout, things are done to them.. Sarah Hepola writes a long rambling pointless essay titled The . Ours was not a moment to explore The Other Side. In a New Podcast, Writer Sarah Hepola Expertly Complicates America's Cheerleading Obsession By Emma Specter January 27, 2022 Cheerleaders have long commanded a prominent place in the American. She writes of her. Do you have any advice for someone who is thinking about broaching the subject of drinking problems with a friend? Find the obituary of Sarah Hepola (1928 - 2022) from Mesa, AZ. Because I havent done a deep dive into the current educational pamphlets that are out there. Id choose a lot of gnarly punishments before Id choose to lose the status and career Ive built over more than two decades. That was another reason for the silence. That was another reason for the silence. Millers victims statement evokes the confusion, the shame, the soul trespass of this harrowing moment. Heres something that I think helps enrich the conversation." I listened to podcasts on which controversial figures interviewed controversial guests, engaging in those delicious conversations I held so dear. My friends and I at the alternative paper in Austin, Texas, sat around long communal tables at dive bars arguing about pop culture, trying to one-up one another with off-color jokes as we downed pint after pint. What gets lost when a writer mutes herself? He was president of the History of Education Society and member of the executive board of the American Educational Research Association. And this is not just a sex thing! Joan Didion, Carl Sagan, Christopher Hitchens, though I had more reservations about that last one. and Al Franken became Andrew Cuomo and Dave Chappelle. Good. I wanted people to love me without really knowing me, which isnt love. The book is an intimate education, not only in her personal history, but also about the dangers of alcohol-induced blackouts, or "periods of memory loss for events that transpired while a person was drinking," which Hepola calls a "menace hiding in plain sight. I had no boyfriend and practically no qualms about that. But there was a . Oh yeah, that was me. You start to see the ways that their stories sync up with you. The things you and I discuss., Nicole Chung: How to organize your writing ideas, He ran a hand through his hair. And that sure proved to be the truth for March, who closed the book on ex-husband Bobby Flay for good two years ago but still. They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie, MN in 1962. The fast-typing egalitarians of the internet age wanted social change, vengeance, a megaphone for their righteous anger. Sarah Martha Maria (Porkkonen) Hepola, was born on March 28, 1933 in rural New York Mills, Newton Twp. Was the gender wage gap a myth? She and Don raised six children there. Leave your condolences to the family on this memorial page or send flowers to show you care. (Blackouts can be either partial or complete.). The #MeToo movement, which felt like a necessary corrective when it began, was starting to feel like an arrow pointed at our own agency. His books include: The Making of an American High School (Yale, 1988); How to Succeed in School Without Really Learning: The Credentials Race in American Education (Yale, 1997); The Trouble with Ed Schools (Yale University Press, 2004); Someone Has to Fail: The Zero-Sum Game of Public Schooling (Harvard, 2010); and A Perfect Mess: The Unlikely Ascendancy of American Higher Education (Chicago, 2017).View all posts by David Labaree, Your email address will not be published. And I knew blackouts so intimately that I literally wrote the book. Like me, the younger man had fallen in love with art because it was the place where people told the truth. From reading your book, that seemed to me like perhaps the time that was the hardest for you. But in a blackout, a person is anything but silent and immobile. I was very disconnected from my body by the end. By now the name Sarah Hepola should be familiar to you. Outside on the sidewalk, he thanked me politely and sauntered off in the other direction, and I was left wondering why, indeed, we do these things. I was screwed. I had friends where it was like -- Im giving her my confessions every weekend and shes trying to play nursemaid and priest and mother and all these things and she finally had to say, I cant do this anymore. And then I had the friend who took a social step back, and basically stopped inviting me. Id think those would be the most interesting things to write about., I gave him an exasperated look. Sarah Hepola is the personal essays editor at Salon.com. Public shaming is the worst kind of shaming. I have a million things to say, but well talk about it after the event.. There had been more grievous allegations, of courserape, pedophilia, physical abuse. She lives in Dallas. Sarah Hepola's Blackout, a dark, funny, honest-to-the-bone account of getting sober. Last year marked a low point for me. In the pandemic madness of 2021, a journalist friend who enjoyed sounding off on science and homeopathy decided to stay the hell away from COVID. Some of them just never spoke about it and silently worried. Sally is survived by her children: John (Tracy), Bemidji, MN; Paul, Menahga, MN; jean Gibbs (Mark), Waconia, MN, Sue Umhoefer (Mark),Hartland, Wl, and Dale, Bemidji, MN. She was one of those people who rarely had a bad day. My parents were Yankee liberals, only one of many ways we didnt fit. She has worked as a music critic, travel writer, film reviewer, sex blogger, beauty columnist, and high school English teacher. There were the pressing matters of rent, exorbitant insurance, and the occasional glitter heels. You mention that you were able to write off educational materials about excessive drinking -- like a student health center pamphlet, in college -- because they just didnt seem that realistic to you. Burial service for victims of the SS Atlantic shipwreck, April 1873. . Maybe it would get me intoThe New Yorker! All around me, people were folding. The tragic result is a disturbed public forum where it often seems like no adults are in the room. Atlantic. And thats why, midway through a career built on speaking out, I shut up. If youve never experienced a blackout, it might be hard to understand the icy wrongness of waking up to find a blank space where three hours should be. Fear of professional exile has kept me from taking on certain topics. I suspect I will lose followers (I dont have that many), but perhaps I will gain self-respect, which Ive been sorely lacking lately. ), Backstage at the Texas Book Festival event, I chatted with Gladwell. A writers life is financially precarious. In the end, I did what I have done for the past 25 years whenever I hit some crisis in my career. Every one of my friendships got stronger when I quit drinking -- because when you dare to tell the truth to the people who are close to you, and you dare to show your heart to them, that is an act of trust, and people, if theyre good friends -- and mine were -- they respond to that. by Sarah Hepola. The couple next to me on my flight was headed to a wedding and staying with 81 people at an AirBNB. Public shaming is the worst kind of shaming. Sally was very special and made friends wherever she went. I surrounded myself with people who reminded me I was loved, no matter what the firing squads on Twitter said. You can call it cancel culture. All my friends drank -- why were they telling me its not OK, when their drinking was OK? Artists were the weirdos and the scoundrels, the square pegs who never fit the round hole of society, and the result was typically a bucket of addictions, perversions, and bizarre predilections born of life on the outskirts. One evening, I sat on the brown-leather couch of a younger man who admired me for my writing, and maybe other things, if the salty text messages were true. Her memoir, "Blackout," will be published by Grand Central on June 23, 2015. ThisNew York Times bestseller will resonate with anyone who has been forced to reinvent or struggled in the face of necessary change. The selfie with Malcolm Gladwell I posted to Instagram did get a ton of likes, though. Gender, sex, morality. I was so proud of this small, private act of civil disobedience that I brought it home to Texas to show it to the younger man like a prized pelt. I think a lot of people dont know the difference. But the way I was doing business had become a prison of my own making. She lives in East Dallas, where she enjoys playing her guitar poorly and listening to the "Xanadu" soundtrack. Sarah Hepola is the author of the bestselling memoir, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, and the host/creator of America's Girls, a Texas Monthly podcast about the lost history and cultural impact of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. At a lake. One of the great mistakes of our moment is being deemed on the wrong side of history. But has anyone read ahead in the book so they know how future generations will see this stuff? "You might think it's stupid, but I still think it's art." Too fraught, no lived experience. Three guys I met on dating apps who refused to get vaccinated: Eh, never mind. She was one of those people who rarely had a bad day. Movies and books became a refuge, along with the Top 40 radio I listened to at night in my pink-and-red bedroom to drown out arguments between my parents, who were going through a rough patch. Movies and books became a refuge, along with the Top 40 radio I listened to at night in my pink-and-red bedroom to drown out arguments between my parents, who were going through a rough patch. Sarah Hepola is the Dallas-based author of the New York Times bestseller "Blackout" and a forthcoming memoir about being single called "Unattached." She also reported and hosted the Texas. Possible humiliation, almost-certain ridicule, and excused overindulgence: Never one to flee from a challenge, our writer goes to her high-school reunion. I was very disconnected from, Am I even hungry? I am such a binge eater, and I will eat away my feelings in the same way that I would drink away my feelings. I stayed on a podcast about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders that I feared everyone would hate, and I braced myself to be unpopular, to take the hits, which never really came. There was so much that was on the other side of sobriety that was so much better. I was somebody who my friends were worrying about, and they were talking about me -- not because theyre gossips, but because they worried and thats what women do: they talk to one another. He could take the hits. New York, Grand Central Publishing, 2015, 230 pp., 26.00. Reservations about that level, it was the hardest for you is being deemed on the back, and... Is a disturbed public forum where it often seems like no adults in! I understand that, period the most interesting things to write about., I gave him an exasperated look which... Think helps enrich the conversation. pedophilia, physical abuse born on March 28 1933. Of courserape, pedophilia, physical abuse on which controversial figures interviewed controversial guests, in... Trash, red-pilled find the obituary of sarah Hepola ( 1928 - 2022 ) from Mesa,.! York Mills, Newton Twp that seemed to be this: Im finally ready to have conversation... The name sarah Hepola ( 1928 - 2022 ) from Mesa, AZ I just thought this was it... 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